What Do I Bring to the Table in a Relationship? The Stages of My Life have Predefined My Offerings Based on Age

I saw a post recently on FACEBOOK which brought me to the realization a woman's life goes through stages. These life stages happen because we age. I have watched many women in my family age from the youngest to the oldest over my 51 years of life. The stages most profoundly impacting their lives moreover than anything else seems to be age.

This post is my reflection of how as I have aged on this journey called life how it is pretty much categorically defined its own stages with what I have brought to the table in relationships.  Now we all know a woman's first relationship is her interaction with her father, grandfather, and other important male role models during her earlier years.

For me, from infancy through my college years all I had to bring to the table was a cute curtsy and a smile. My daddy provided all my needs, wants, and desires. He took to the amusement park which my absolute favorite thing to do. We went out to restaurants and he always paid and left the tip and just sat on the other side of the table with a proud look on his face as it was an honor to have someone like me in his life. 

My grandfather was all so important too. I have had people call me to just let me know how special they thought it was when I was a little girl and my grandfather would always hold us on his lap when he was sitting out on the front porch. He was my shield when I was trying to escape my grandmother's lashings and he shielded us from her by hiding us under the covers so she wouldn't lash out at us as severely. He took us to all his friends house. He showed me he was proud to be a grandfather. When we were born we became his purpose. He often told us stories to reiterate how much he cared for me, my family, his friends. He was a very caring and sincere man.

What I bring to the table is a person who knows how to appreciate and is grateful to a man who know the meaning of being a king. I bring to the table the willingness to love, embrace, and enjoy time with my significant other. I know the role of a team player. Now in my earlier years I was spoiled by men who knew how to be men and learned from women who allowed the men to be men. I bring a knowledge of how i should be accepted, love, appreciated, adored, and treated.

Greed has become the New American Dream!

I've been in this world for fifty one years.  I have seen a lot of changes in my lifetime.  I remember when we had televisions so bulky I couldn't even budge them.  Now we have televisions so light weight I can carry them with one arm.

Owning a television when they first hit the scene was an accomplishment.  People worked hard to have the assets they enjoyed during that era in our history.  A man most often went out and earned the paycheck and brought the bacon home to mama.  A greater accomplishment was when a couple was able to buy a home.  Owning a home was considered the American Dream.

Fast forward forty years and the American Dream has been overshadowed by American Greed.  It seems to be the norm for men to have a main piece and side pieces.  They are not satisfied with just one good piece.  Just today I was reading an article where a former NFL Player mistress killed his wife.  Personally, I think the husband should be charged with accessory to murder.  He was just being greedy.  He had a wife with a reputable profession but he let his hormonal greed get the best of him.  I do realize he is probably extremely stricken with grief.  But think about all the other lives impacted by this senseless act of violence.  Who knows what was going through the mistress thoughts?  Apparently her greed consumed her.  She  just had to have someone else's man.  How many times have we seen "If I can't have him no one is going to have them type scenario?".  Just sad.

We see greed in the workplace more and more all the time.  People are so greedy to get to the top they don't care who they sleep with, who they trample on, who they have to be cutthroat with or anything else.  The only line in the workplace is the line to get to the top by any means necessary by too many people.  The challenge to make more and more money, to look bigger and bigger and make everyone else look and seem smaller and smaller.  There is no "I" in team and there is no "I" in dismantling everyone else's dreams either.  With current estimates showing CEO's of large corporations making 300 times more than the production level employees to me that is one of the biggest American Greed trends that just needs to stop.  Sprinkle some gold dust to bottom tiers.

The utility companies are providing services with the same lines that have been in place for decades. The stock portfolios of their employees and chief executives are just going up, up, up, as their customers bills are experiencing the same rate of incline with the customers having no way to meet the financial obligations.

Genocide is hitting my neighborhood hard and fast.  I am truly worried about it happening to me.   The people I used to walk through and see 10 or 15 years ago homes have been replaced by bigger and newer housing.  I won't say better because a lot of the older homes had good bones.  A community plagued by people who are the last hired being the first fired.

It seems like the current state of my local economy is going to cause me to lose out as well unless I continually fight harder.  There are no services to care for our elderly parents at the level there tax dollars went to taking care of women on welfare having babies.  It just seems ridiculously unfair.  Their tax dollars for years have gone to support programs that did not write in a future for them.  Their tax dollars went to secure someone else's present while cheating them out of a future.  All the money they paid into a system that they thought would take care of them during their golden age.  The elderly are the ones suffering the most because it is them whose hard work, tax payments, and so much more went towards building a better tomorrow in yesteryear.  Now they can't get housing unless they give up the housing they worked all their life for.  The people at the middle of the road like myself cannot get any kind of assistance.  We cannot get any kind of jobs that will let us continue to enjoy the type of lifestyle we had grown accustomed to enjoy.  Even if we did the savings thing.  Those savings are gone a few years after you can't get a job.

I have had my home on the market for months priced way below assessed value.  I have filed a Chapter 13 bankruptcy and found out recently I have to pay 100% if the plan is approved because of the equity in my home.  The paralegal I went over the plan jinxed me when she said something along the line everything should go fine as long as I don't lose my job.  The next day I went to work I was coded because my survey scores were dropping.  I can now either resign or wait out what may end up being the inevitable.

Here I grow again trying to hunt for another job to supplement the current one because things are too crucial right now.   If I don't have a job I cannot make the plan payments.  It was going to be hard enough trying to make the plan payment and my mortgage payment both right at the beginning of the month.  I am at a stage where I cannot just give up.  I was already going to have to work harder and doing more.

But it is hard.  It is truly hard.  People my age are seen as being in the way.  I feel like I am viewed at as being in the "F" You age range.  We are to old to hire and too young to retire.  Unfortunately, it is people right in my own age range who lend the most grief to the dismal situation.  It seems the ones in my age range who cause the most drama.

The whole concept of Greed as being the American Dream now shows up on so many arenas of every day life.  I see greed being at the forefront of friendships, relationships, and situation-ships.  Guys don't want to wine and dine as in years past.  They want to keep every dime of the money they earn for themselves.  It even seems they most often view women now as competitors versus lovers.  They want to bank their money.  They don't help women out like men of yesteryear.  They expect women of today to hold their own on their own and do just as well or better than the women who are already in marriages or committed relationships.  It is no secret these brothers who are single and unmarried for many years prefer women in committed relationships that they don't have to take care of because they are another man's responsibility.  It is not an overnight trend it has been something which has been happening for years.

When I read the story about the NFL Player whose wife was murdered by the mistress I was thinking they should lock him up for accessory to murder.  If he wasn't so greedy as to have to have a wife and a mistress at the same time two women could still be viable players in this rat race.

Monday is my day off and I will be hitting the grind to find a job.  I have got to keep it together to one of the greatest storms of my existence.  I need all prayer warriors to pray diligently for me that I make it through this period successfully with things turning out in my favor by the grace and goodness of our God Almighty.

They say if you can't beat them join them.  It is hard to change decades of trying to do the right thing, work hard and hoping your hard work pays off.  It is just not that type of party anymore.  It seems yo either have to swallow or be swallowed.  I am just not ready to roll over and be swallowed up right now.  I am going to keep fighting the good fight.  Pray for me.

Grandma, If We Could Have You Back for a Day!

In tribute to one of the strongest, toughest, most resilient people I had the honor to know in my lifetime, my grandmother, Lois Valentine Cowan:


On that day when the world seemed to pause;
We felt it immediately our loss to the cause.

Because you were wonderful and true;
Because you loved us and we loved you.

Your strength carried us through the years;
Now your fond memories helps dry our tears.

If we could have you back just for a day;
The words we left unsaid we probably still wouldn't say.

We would hug and cry and wish you well;
We would bask in your love and inhale your smell.

There would be no time to waste;
We would hurry to embrace your love without haste.

You'd probably look around and say do what you have to do;
I raised you well and it is up to you.

Cry no more wipe them tears away;
I left for a moment and I want you to make it to eternity one day.

I left you behind to finish this race;
Hold your head high and pick up the pace.

I see you've been doing as you please;
Take time out of your busy schedule and fall to your knees.

Ask God to shower you with his forgiveness and grace;
There is a life eternal after this and it is a wonderful place.

Grandma Lois, you are appreciated, I pray you are enjoying your heavenly rest.

Our Future Matters!

‪#‎OurFutureMatters‬ - building up the external and letting the internal rot to the core seems to be running rampant everywhere. All the incidents pitting the police against the communities almost seems like a smoke screen to keep our focus way from concentrating on building the internal stuff that matters.

People need to breathe and recognize all this chaos is setting us further behind on getting ahead. The business owners insurance will cover them for damages and the poor and impoverished are still left with even less assurances.  We need all communities to flourish if we truly want economic prosperity for everyone.

The ones who will end up gaining financially from all this mayhem probably are sitting backing thinking all this stuff is not happening fast enough.  I can imagine them chanting keep tearing stuff down so we can get paid for building it back up.  They see another started big money making project on the horizon. They will be the ones the checks are directed to for clean up, future construction projects, and other types of money making partnerships.

Even here locally there are projects on the table that don't do anything to improve the internal struggles people are facing day to day. Take for instance, there is a high rate of unemployment and no funds for job training programs but yet there are funds available to build a mall on city owned property.  The lottery is making money and giving it to the public schools but it certainly doesn't seem like it is going tot the communities where the most money is being spent playing the lottery.

We constantly here there is no money for teacher raises, no money for additional resources to improve student performance on standardized tests, no money for books, no money for hands on technology initiatives, no monetary assistance to build up the schools and universities in lower to moderate income neighborhoods but ample funds for areas where funding is already abundant. There are even funds for a projected $109 million dollar project to build or expand purportedly Lake Taylor to be a high and center for technology education.  This project is proposed to span five years, we already know it will be outdated before it is built. I think the money would be better spent hiring a local contractor to issue laptops and cell phones with data and phone services to all the students, teachers, and administrators throughout the school system.  I cringe every time I hear students will have to submit an application to be able to attend a public school facility.  Way too many underserved students are left far behind in the digital divide as it exists now.  The companies planning to offer workforce training their can offer training at their own training facilities which I are probably already in place. If it is truly about making people more employable why wait?

Public safety I consider another internal issue because it is not the brick and mortar of it all.  If citizens listen attentively enough they would figure out there are a whole lot more demands being made on policing cities, however, the pay and funds have not kept pace with those demands.  It doesn't take a rocket science to figure that out.  Even though the screen print below is a little dated, the economics of public safety have not gotten better.

Until the internal issues get fixed the cycle of systemic issues will continue to exist. I hope the police departments and community call a truce. The police and the low and moderate income neighborhoods are the sectors of society that are most neglected when it comes to funding and everything else. They need to learn to work together for the change they want to see. Learn to love on one another versus hating on each other. If they were to work together they would come to understand how they are facing similar challenges in the day-to-day.

Yes most definitely people should not be out being criminals.  People are hurting and the more people hurt the more they lash out.  The money being spent on incarceration is ridiculous.  If the money they spend incarcerating young men was given directly to them as pay they would have no need to be out in the streets hustling.

People have been unemployed so long they have become discouraged with looking for employment.  The schools have gotten so bad even the children don't want to go.  The bottom line though is every time we tear away from each other we are tearing at the very fibre of our future as well.

God help us all.

Prayer Warriors Join Me in this Purpose Filled Prayer!

My Prayer For a Powerful Man of God:

Dear God, I am coming to you on bended knee with head bowed on today.   We don't know the minute, the hour, nor the day you will have your way but we do know you hear us when we pray. We can count on your grace and divine mercy to see us through the most difficult of times.  And right now Lord I ask that you touch the hearts that need mending, the bodies that need healing, the minds that need your precious peace.  

When medical doctors have given up, when family and friends have had enough, when the medicines no longer ease our pains the one thing we can always still count on is calling on your sweet name.  We can call on the Sweet Name of Jesus.  So on this day Lord with bowed head and on bended knee I am asking you heal my friend.  I am asking all the Prayer Warriors to come in agreement in prayer that you touch his body and cure him of what ever ails him. Where there is more than one of us gathered in your name you are right there in the midst. Hear our prayer Lord.

We are putting our faith in knowing you will carry us through.  You have a handle on his situation and every situation.  Sometimes a setback is just a setup for us to reconfirm that You are the Alpha and the Omega.  You were great yesterday, You will be great today, and forever more.  We constantly can confirm that your goodness and mercy is truly everlasting.  

We are asking you to fill our hearts with the same joy we had on the best of days to help us make it through the rest of days. Lord rain down your healing mercies.  You ain't done with us yet and the best is yet to come.  Let a smile be our umbrella showing we have faith in knowing Jesus you are the "J" in our "Joy".

We know, recognize, and accept that it is by your stripes we are healed.  The doctors can diagnose and prescribe but we are going to put our faith, hope, and trust in those commandments on Moses' scribe.  

It is you, Dr. Jesus, the one we can call on when modern medicine won't answer our call.  When operations, procedures, and medicines are little more than a crutch, My God, My God, My God, we are here standing steadfast in prayer in the need of The Master's Touch.  We are calling on you, Jesus, to fix what man and medicine cannot cure. We are the clay we are pleading for you to make us simple and pure.   We know there is no testimony without a test, and you can bless any mess.  Fix it Jesus, fix it! This cancer and no other weapons formed against him shall prevail.  

Please bless us with your healing mercies and touch us with your grace.  You know a man can't be judged by just looking at his face.  So I ask in your Holy Name that you touch my friend: a mentor for my children, a man who is a brother, a loved one, a father, a grandfather, a leader, a church member, a Psalmist, a family man, an in-law, a husband, but most importantly a Powerful Man of God, touch him Lord Jesus, touch him.  Touch his heart because love conquers all, touch his mind so he can keep the faith in knowing that even though cancer is in remission it doesn't hold water without your permission, and touch his spirit to keep him walking by faith and not by sight knowing your divine intervention is always just and right.  The cancer can disappear and reappear but you are always near.  Your omnipresence and your omnipotence never fails.  No weapons formed against the children of God ever prevails. 

This re-occurrence is but yet another occurrence reaffirming God is still God. He healed his precious body once he can heal it again because with you there are no odds.  You are the truth, the way, and the light on goodness we can rest every night.  Lean not to our own understanding but lean to your divine way.  Shower down your tender healing mercies upon your child Lord.  God and God alone no matter how troublesome the medical report may be has the permission for a remission and by your stripes he shall be healed. 

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I pray a Sinner's Prayer in the midst and agreement of Prayer Warriors everywhere because I am stand saved and as a witness and testament to your Divine Grace.  Those dark hours bring us closer into alignment in knowing how vulnerable we really are and who has the power.

Amen!

Why Does Your Trauma have to be My Drama!

Men are a trip.  So I have decided to stop waiting for the inevitable and move forward with getting out and meeting someone who I feel I can spend the rest of my life with.  I am just too old to be playing games.  Then when an ex-boyfriend thinks they can get back in without a ring or a stronger commitment of it is just not happening.   I am hip to all the games.

My gut feelings is telling me the real issue with two guys who I have known at least one of them for 15 years a horrible truth lies underneath.  Both are single, and both are really eligible bachelors for all I know.  They are the type who are real hard on women.  They really have no compassion for women.  And definitely no real respect.

I have spent years on being there as a friend.  Even at one point when we were more than friends. But it felt like beating a dead horse to death. It is funny because I was on the phone talking to an friend recently and my son asked who was I talking to because I was so abrupt.  I really didn't realize I was being abrupt at all.  I think the years will do it to you.  

Mind you I haven't been intimate with either one for years.  One there will never ever be anything between us again. He is the low down type that is attracted to married women and laughs uncontrollably about how he has treated unmarried women in the past.  I don't and never did find it funny.  He always said if I stopped selling houses and had my house just in my name again he would marry me.  Too bad it took me too long to do either.

Now I just gone speculate a little bit.  Years later I find out the two guys know each other.  They used to work together.   The one told me the other had a bad reputation for how he would cut anybody down.  They even gave him a nickname to that affect.

Well now I am thinking because one admittedly and even motioned his hips that he would do a man.  I was appalled to say the least.  My children had always said he was gay from day one.  But now my gut feeling is telling me they know each other a little bit more than professionally.

I wish there was some lie detector test or some other gadget that could be used when you meet someone.  Personally, I seem to always pick the wrong one.  I am tired, I am frustrated, and I ain't getting no younger.  I don't have time for these foolish games.

That's reason number one why over the past three years I have become basically a loner.  I prayed to God that he would take the taste out of my mouth for feeling I need to be in a relationship or have companionship with any man.  Then as Murphy's Law would have it there was someone who I just had to see another challenge in which would have been worth the catch as so I thought.

But from here on out the men who send up a red flag by saying women ain't no good, mention anything about side pieces, and has no good history of establishing and staying in relationships I am just going to keep it moving forward I have no time for that.

This past week I had someone to catch me up on my bills and help me save my home.  I told him point blank I wasn't going to consider his proposition.  He is much older and I have grown much colder. He told me I am less mature than when he tried to be my friend twenty years ago.  Do I lose everything and save my soul or do I save everything and lose my soul?  I'll keep one little bit of my soul I have intact.  I ain't never need money like that.   I almost considered it an insult the little help he was offering compared to all he has.  He has always been a miser but I know he is very wealthy.  I told him no way unless there was a ring and a wedding.  I am not going out like that.  I am tired of in the meantime and in between time type situations.  And the use of the word "friend" is also a red flag.  I know how friends will do you.

So many men are hurt by the relationships they have with others.  I think they are even more hurt by the relationships they have with each other.  From my being a very attentive listener.  I heard two guys talking and they were comparing lists.  They basically date in the same circle of women.  How nasty I thought.  I definitely don't want to be a part of that.

They pass women around like they are loaning out a pair of golf clubs.  The ones I fault the most for the way these single men act nowadays is married women.  Married women seem to be at the top of their list of priorities.  Mainly because married women can't take nothing home and it means they don't have to do anything to maintain the connection.

Now as far as single women go, they want to be wined and dined, go to the movies, go on mini-vacations, and so much more.  The men are complaining what the women won't do and the women ain't happy with what the men are doing.

The downside of this all is that all this foolishness is doing nothing to make the family structure look favorable.  I think grown adults should concentrate on being families again.  It used to be a time when you could count on your mate like being a team member, you were on the same team.

I have found with these single men dating married women that they confide more in the married woman and talk about all the issues of the single women with them.  They don't realize the married women pass it on.  They think it is the single women ratting them out when it's not. I was told a few months back one single guy had ten women out on a string.  Then I thought with side pieces and main pieces how that can really be possible.

It is very traumatic the relationship scene of today.  Just pray for me that I find a good, caring, kind, considerate, passionate man to spend the rest of my life with.  I am tired of being alone but I be dang if I am going to be lonely.

Whatever Happened to Investigative Reporting?

I was just reading an article on FACEBOOK and rather than vent with a long status post there I decided to blog about it.  It has been a minute since I posted a blog old anyways.

What ever happened to investigative news reporting?  I remember when as a child we would get the morning newspaper on Wednesdays in school and we had to do a short write up on a piece of paper identifying the who, what, when, where, why, and how (if applicable) for the news article we selected.  It could be a little silly article it still had details. 

They can't be giving children an assignment like that anymore because half the news reports answer one question, then the next day you get a few more details, and if it is a juicy article you may end up finding out more as the days progress.  If the event loses its steam a full report answering the basic questions becomes non-existent. 

News reporters I imagine get paid pretty hefty money.  Some of that money news outlets spend needs to be dedicated towards developing better investigative reporters.

The leads for most articles of the day seem to be coming from the public.  The best video coverage, footage, and interviews seem to be coming from the unknown. 

Is it because the celebrity newscasters got spoiled?  It seems as the upswing of doing all the research and investigation from sitting behind a keyboard has desensitized news reporters on what is really happening in the world. 

I would imagine news reporters and news outlets have enough people in different places around the world where they could really be on top of investigative reporting.  Every city just about I am sure has a news station.  I think it would benefit these news conglomerates more to use their technology resources to network and have a field person in each locality as needed to report on events happening around the world.

I haven't read it in print but I think the way the Walter Scott as a victim of police gone wild was a travesty.  The incident report was a laugh.  I recall there used to be a time when the news reports on a case that big they would go out to the scene and try and reenact what happened.  They didn't go just based on what they could pull up on the Internet because there was no Internet to that magnitude.

For heaven's sake if they even start soliciting private and public individuals to provide better and more conclusive reporting everyone can trust will be a step up from where they have come to.  Really get back out in the field.  Don't keep relying on the friend network and you scratch my back and I scratch yours way of doing things.  Show a little more smarts than that and go back to hiring smart people rather than people based on popularity.

Don't get me wrong, popularity is important however it is more important to keep a news product that people can rely on and trust.  I think it is totally sad that so many news outlet had to recant their reporting because the Incident Report provided by the police officer was totally bogus. 

No one has said it but we saw it in Ferguson the media is the cause of some of the mayhem.  If the police can get to them and get them to side with them based on their authentication solely as police officers why wouldn't police officers feel they can get away with so much? 

The news media needs to be impartial.  Go back to only reporting what they can verify.  And the most important part of all is to actually verify it and get the who, what, when, where, why and when applicable the "how" of it all.

This is Lynne Ruffin and I am reporting from some random thoughts.  More to come when another random thought that I feel like venting about rather than holding it in comes across my mind.  Unless I can pick up a position of investigative reporting then I will be out in the field trying to get the meat and bones of the situations.

I'm out.  Hey I don't get paid to write, so maybe my post doesn't take that into account either.

My Goodness It Has Been A While!

Let's face it if you keep a blog it can sometimes feel like it is keeping you.  And then there are those times when you are not doing anything at all with it and it of course cannot do anything with you.

Yes it has been a while since I wrote a blog post.  There has been a lot happening in the news.  I have started more aggressively seeking gainful employment.  At first I was coasting along thinking something will come.  I have put out enough resumes.  Then there was a long bout I think I really became discouraged.

I have had a lot of the same issues I see others have had as well.  For a long spell my mother's health wasn't the best.  Who can concentrate when really the only person you have in your corner when everything else is going down hill.

I think I have had a hard time keeping up with everything I lost and really living stressed and depressed over everything I am about to lose.  But at some point the discouragement has to stop.  Enough is enough already.  I am really past ready to move on.

Over the past three weeks, knock on wood my mother's health has been where she has not needed my assistance.  No longer did I need to be around all day everyday.  She even got to the point where she said I don't need no one here.  Great, trust and believe you don't need to say that to me twice for me to get it.

Her condition is astonishing.  A disease can have complete and total control over you as it sees fit.  Well as you probably know if you live along the east coast we had two very awful weeks of weather.  It was snowing then the roads were horrible because the first major snow fell on a holiday weekend.  The children in the area were out of school for almost two weeks.

My son asked me ma why haven't I seen you in two weeks.  It took every self-constraint in me to say because I was stuck in the house and the only son I have didn't come to shovel the snow out of my driveway so I could get my happy behind out.  Then he would have said you wouldn't have a car to drive if it wasn't for me.  Oh well, life goes on.

Now fast forward to a few weeks ahead.  I am pumped, rested, and hit the job circuit heavy again.  i went to a hiring event.  I had a couple of phone interviews.  I was setting my schedule up for hitting the ground hard.  Then what happens you didn't guess it so I'll tell you.  I am in transportation less mode again.  I was coming to the office the evening after I left being on the grind trying to find a job.  I haven't had a closing in a while.  And I see where my emails and phone calls are still being intercepted so the chances look slimmer of my getting to a closing table any time soon.  I keep the faith because storms don't last always.  I am going to weather this I was born on one of the stormiest days ever in the 757.

The car I had been driving was totaled.  I am in so much pain but that is a total whole another story.
As I am in pain and can't do much of anything worth while I will have more time to blog.

Pray this omen off me someone.  I feel days like someone has rooted me.  I feel like they got me from the rooter to the tooter.  I am tired of being broke so pray financial increase on me.  And please pray healing on me.  Pray all good and wholesome things.

I am pressing on minute by minute, day by day, and hour by hour because I know who holds the power.  This too shall pass.

Until you hear from me again which hopefully will be more sooner than later help pray me through it.  I am really going through some stuff.  We all have a purpose even if we don't live it we have a purpose driven mission in this world.  Two words "stay encouraged is all I need to hear sometimes.

God Bless!

Does the Locale have to Pay the Outlandish Fees they Assess?

Not mentioning no names but in localities where businesses pay taxes and the locale you are paying taxes to facilities are state of the art and you can't even afford to buy art and look better than the big business buildings and definitely the small businesses do you think the big businesses or small businesses take any offense to it?

Additionally, do you think the big businesses would feel better if the locale would have negotiated a deal to relocate into their facilities and give a big business the opportunity to occupy the new space or am I being facetious?

Furthermore, with all the vacant office buildings with all the layoffs in recent years why didn't the locale choose to buy one of the facilities which are now vacant from loss of businesses which is also a loss of revenue rather than build new even if they had to move to a different part of the city.  I am just wondering who is doing the feasibility studies for some localities outside of an office with apparently no windows to the outside world.

People just look most often at big businesses not wanting to pay taxes.  They don't see the whole picture.  They don't see how much big businesses are taxed at a flat rate by most localities just for what they use to in the form of equipment just to run a business.  How is that it costs the city anything for a person to operate their business equipment to the point where they are assessed a 40% fee is beyond me.  From this point forward I operate my business in cyberspace.  The cyberspace God's will have to come get me.  I use online computers that I operate via osmosis.  Building up for my insanity plea because if there is nothing else I have learned is that judges don't want to deal with crazy people.  Crazy people don't get sentenced and get counted in the prison population, they get a straight jacket and ushered off to a facility.  Since it is normally a government run facility the accommodations should be nice if they keep building, updating, and enhancing their own at the expense of others.  Going to a home to be medicated to act right.  When it is time to give up those comforts they act up again.

Please forgive me I got twelve hours of sleep last night because I was  up for two days.  Yesterday was really rough.  Lord I didn't get two degrees to have to deal with so much.  I am ready to get back on the money train.  I can be more help financially than I can being a domestic servant.  I got two cuts on my fingers yesterday and I am still trying to figure out how.  I'm a fool, Lord knows I'm a fool but Lord knows we got to do something about this current situation.

It's Getting Harder and Harder to Trust Folk

I had my chapters all mapped out.  Wouldn't you know it now it is the only file on my online storage account that shows completely blank.  Now I am going to have to go back to my hand written items and re-create it.  I am going to get my rest.  Thankfully I type very fast.  At my peak I can do over a 100 words a minute.  I see reaching that peak again real soon.

SOON TO BE RELEASED!

I just realized I have two versions of the cover.  I have "Soon to Be Released" on the final edit I did.  I snatched this one from my FACEBOOK photos.  Trying to keep that momentum going.

My goal is to still self-publish by Valentine's Day.  Some setbacks are just a step back to take a greater leap forward and that's what I am owning.

But it is a good thing I do work well under pressure.  I had one really awesome chapter title I had not included.  I just know now not to save anything in the cloud and don't connect the computer I write on to a network or anything else.

It is sad but I think I am going to end up doing the old bait and switch.  As my self-imposed deadline nears I don't want any glitches.   So I am going to have a good copy and a bad copy.  The bad copy will be my way of hopefully eventually tracking where the leak is.  But I hope not.  I am really hoping it is just some computer fluke.

Anyways, I am working hard on this and I want it to be something of substance.  My goal is to utilize the reading and research and best practices I have been pondering over to make it something great!

My goal is best seller out the box. I got a few other items to check off my list with this book project too.  I hope to show my true talents and entrepreneurial skills.  I am a woman writing about women issues.  I am looking for the success I feel it should bring.

Stay tuned because I hope to make it as hot and juicy as the hottest and juiciest Valentine's Day ever.  However, it won't be no porn.  I am not into that.  Maybe a heated love scene here and there but classy enough in case some young noisy eyes pick up a copy of my book from laying around.

I am getting nervous and excited so I really feel it is going to happen.  Pray for me.  Stay with me.  It is going to have a twist that I am hoping will get that thumbs up like dang she knocked it out the box.

No pressure!

Watching Your Mother Die of A Broken Heart

Please forgive me in advance for ad libbing on this post.  I am sitting at the hospital in the waiting room.  My mother is being admitted into the hospital yet once again.  Another UTI from the supra cubric catherer which was installed back in June.

My mother has a lot of years experience in the medical field.  She is very familiar with the terminally. The advance stages of diseases do not come uneasy to her because she retired as Supervisor of the Tumor Registry at a Navy Medical Command here in Virginia.  She was one of the founding members of the Society of Tumor Registrars.  She has worked with doctors from varied backgrounds from her initial days in the medical profession in medical records.

When we are at the hospital she is normally the one very well versed in the medications she takes.  She can pronounce them, knows the side effects, and probably a whole lot more than the average patient.  I remember the days when she was working tirelessly to advance up to the level she attained prior to her disability retirement.  She went out on disability retirement after 29-1/2 years of loyal and dedicated service to Civil Service.  She not only worked civil service she worked part time jobs too.  She most often worked part time as a cashier.  I remember once she even worked part time cleaning offices.  Her initial position as a cashier started out on the base in the commissary.

The past couple of years have been really rough.  My mother all her life has supported a whole lot of crutches.  She has kept a roof over the heads of others who could not afford their own roof.  Over the past couple of years as we have grown closer and she has shared a whole lot with me one thing that keeps resonating is how all the people she assisted for so long have turned their backs on her.  And she says thats okay I did my part.

Deep down inside I know it hurts.  I saw all the sacrifices she made.  I saw all the hard work she put in.  My mother was a very beautiful woman.  She really did not have to work as hard as she did because my father was a good provider.  Also, my other brother's family had lots of money.  Even though she would never marry him, she was offered a brand newly constructed home in an upscale neighborhood if she would have all expenses paid.  However, my mother was used to making her own way when necessary and she was not the type who could be bought to settle for what she did not want.

If you have read my previous postings you know my grandparents were instrumental in raising me.  My mother often reflects on how my grandfather thanked her on his death bed for always being there and supporting the family because he told her he doesn't know what they would have done without her.

I know my mother was always a champion of others.  During the holidays, back to school, and other times when others needed support financially, or just a listening ear my mother was there.  When people were sick my mother was there.  When families grieved my mother was there.   Even though my parents divorced back in 1971 they remained friends and looked out for each other as much as two best friends would until my father went on to be with the Lord back in 2008.  She was closer to my father than I was.

Now as I see her suffer so much I often ask why.  I know there is a deep rooted bitterness in watching her in pain and suffering so much.  I keep running across our history in my own mind.  I often reflect out of all the people in the world she was close to I was probably the one at odds with her the most.  She always told she didn't want any girls.  I was raised by a no nonsense grandmother and I was tough enough to take it.  I didn't fall apart.  I know a lot of the reasoning behind it was the Freudian concepts.  So much so that it was one of the reasons that inspired me to want to be a psychiatrist.  When I first started college at Jackson State University in Jackson, Mississippi that was the focus of my major.  I was on a four year academic scholarship.  The reason why I even found out about the college is because one of the psychiatrists she worked with at Boone Clinic in Norfolk had graduated from their as his undergrad and his mother was a professor there.

My mother's mantra irregardless of our sour relationship was that her children were never going to want for anything.  She really spoiled us.  When it came to finances, we never saw money issues.  She would give us an allowance very week without fail.  Often times she would keep the house so supplied even when she did not live with us until we were pretty much in high school she always made sure we had.

She would let us participate in any event we wanted to.  I remember she would pay for me to go to band camp at William and Mary most every summer until I got older and wanted to do other things.  I remember there were times I went for different camps or events.  I enjoyed getting away and for most of the visits I was in a room alone because the other girls did not want to room with a black girl.  I was real good with that.  Being the spoiled, selfish, self-centered person I was I couldn't have asked for a better set up.  The only black girl who may have come from time to time could wear the white hat.  I guess they just didn't want to room with me because I was never taught to wear the white hat.  It was something that didn't come up for discussion on my home.  And my mother and father both when I was growing up was always for blacks.  They both held supervisory positions.  My father was a Chief in the Navy.

Her main goal is that she wanted her children to be a success.  She was always very adamant she wanted the best for us.  We received new everything every Christmas.  Our birthday parties were fabulous.  Our wardrobe for back to school was a given and she even went as far to buy us a set of clothes to play in.  We had a new coat for school and a new coat to play in most every year.  When holidays like Easter, Christmas, Valentine's Day came around she brought us new stuff.  We got what was trending.

As for me, she was tough on what grades I received.  Most of my play items revolved around educational games.  I was often ahead of what ever they we were studying in school.  I took study aide classes for the fun of it.  I learned the four R's (read, review, write reread).  I normally did it ahead of the material being covered in class.  The one thing I can honestly say I detested was when she showed up to beat me if my grades were not up to par.  My brother could fell everything backwards and he was still her baby.  During my formative years it was mainly just me and my brother as far as siblings.  My knee brother was raised by his paternal grandparents and my youngest brother there is an age gap of fourteen years.  He was basically a toddler when I left to go away to college.  He got more than most all the rest of us because he got a private school education.  My knee brother ran the city where he was raised so he went to public school, not that they could not well afford private schooling.

I'm at the hospital typing this.  My mother is in her hospital room resting.  She was in a lot of pain when we first arrived via a fire truck which is by standard the emergency medical vehicle that comes to pick her up because it is just two and half blocks away from her home.  Once we got to the emergency room they rushed her right in faster than I ever known them to do.  Her temperature was a whopping 103.5 degrees.  It was 102 degrees when we left the house when the EMT checked it.  Her temperature went up on the ride over.

Her supra cubic catheter is yet causing another urinary tract infection (UTI).  My mother always had said she was never going to let anyone cut on her no matter how bad off she got.  I am sitting here wondering why it did not apply to this apparatus.  They changed it in ER and they changed it again once she was assigned to a room.  I'm thinking there should be a better way, especially for women.

I guess it is one of those things were the benefits far outweigh the complicity of it all.  It is a great help in that since she is wheel chair bound she does not have to worry about the arduous task of getting on the toilet when she has to go to the bathroom.  Dang if you do and dang if you don't.

Now that I have drifted as far as the seven seas.  I guess because it hurts me just as much or more than hurts her I am very sorrowful two of her sons have not come to see her once in the past almost two years.  I think it is a travesty.  I can understand the friends and extended family members that abandoned her, but her own sons I find it hard to take.  I know people have their own lives and she has had this disease (Multiple Sclerosis) for a long while and maybe it is just too much for them to continue on.  The doctors only gave her a year to live about two decades ago and she has been winning every year.

The pain in her face I know it is from the heartbreak.  She mentions it all the time.  She says F* them but I know she cares.  How can she not care.  I get it that they want to remember her in the best of shape.  But the worst of shape she is in now I don't feel is all her disease, I think it is from heart ache.

Like the old familiar saying goes, what makes you laugh will also make you cry.  Lord I am asking that you heal her heart, wipe away the sorrow that shows across her face, put the s back in her miles and restore her smile.  This and all things I ask in your name.

The prayer I have been reciting all week is the Serenity Prayer.  "Lord help me to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

A silent word to myself for my mother, you may not have wanted any daughters but God knew you needed to have me.  To God be the Glory because he will right every story.  Amen!

The Pathetic Plight of the Poor and Disenfranchised

One thing I think wealthy people have figured out is that there is a lot of money to be made off of poor people.  The sad thing is a lot of the funds they make off the poor is based on the inescapable fact that the poor are poor to begin with.

We are fast approaching the season where the people stimulate the economy like a fat cat.  The time of the year when a whole lot of spending gets done to make the rich richer and the poor poorer.  I often why they never have a kickoff or celebration.  This lengthwise is probably one of the biggest spending and paying bill seasons of all times.  A whole lot of people are waiting for income tax check refunds.  Once those refunds are received it is spend, spend, spend season.  Maybe that would be a good phrase to coin to the time from the first week in January until the end of the month of February when the poor spend, spend, spend, and then afterwards on credit spend some more.

The rich should throw a feast.  Anxiously awaiting to see what their sales figures are going to be while the poor and disenfranchised are trying to decide what are they going to spend all this new found money on.

Some even give away a whole lot of cash before they even ever see it.  They go to the tax preparation places, get a loan with an interest rate they don't even pay any attention to so they can start the shopping or pay off bills even earlier.

I would imagine the lowest these gotta have it now folks pay would be at minimum $85 and more likely around $135 just for signing their name.  By the time the loan fees are withdrawn before they receive the balance of what would have been a full check had they waited a little while longer they are easily out of hundreds in a lot of cases.

Why do the poor and disenfranchised keep giving away their money like this year after year.  The "I need" season in full swing.  I need a new car, I need new furniture, I need new clothes, I need everything that is going to depreciate in value at least 50% off the money I have already depleted by around 35% by having to have it so soon.  

Then here comes buyers remorse.  Remorseful that I spent so much with so little left.  Heck I might even have to call and borrow money for gas to get to work in the car purchased if it is still running.  Where is some real financial advice when you need it.  That car doesn't seem so new no more, those clothes don't seem so new no more, that furniture is not as comfortable as it seemed at first.  Now here comes the inevitable, call that supervisor from that minimum wage job I quit because the money from the tax return check was a clear indication of how much that job sucked now it is time to go back and suck up to get it back.  The supervisor is mad because they did not have enough employees to cover this high demand season.  The lines are super long everywhere when it is income tax refund time.  The employees who were there for the long haul are gone because they couldn't deal with the folks who have money who used to works jobs that sucked.  They are on the consumer side acting worse than the customers who came in to the job they had that sucked.

The cycle is vicious but the thirst and greed is real.

Who is really reaping the benefits of everyone else's dilemmas and struggles?  Who work hard and really don't have the money to play harder unless they are fronting during income tax season?  Why is our America like this.  Is this really representative of for the people by the people type culture?

The poor work all year long barely making ends meet.  Then when income tax time payout times come around it seems to me they rip the shreds off the ends that do not already meet themselves.

I could say it is the rich people fault.  However, when it comes to leading by example, they don't do this.  They have tax advisers, they have attorneys, they have colleagues, they have sorority sisters and fraternity brothers, they have resources.  They don't do this.  They make sure they have enough secured financially prior to them spending haphazardly.

When are we as a society going to make mainstream ways in educating and showing the poor and disenfranchised a better way.  I know from personal experience finances are not taught in every home.  During my years in school as a student finances were not even taught in most schools or colleges.  Just think of the logic in working hard to get a quality education and then not living a quality lifestyle because you never learned at home or anywhere else.

Imagine all those people who learned to sacrifice so life could be nice.  Sacrifice and save when you can so you will have something when you can't.

Just wait and see even though gas prices have gone down considerably in recent weeks the price of everything else will definitely not see a decline until after the first week or so of March 2015 based on my prediction.  I don't really predict things I just reminisce over how things have transpired in the past and associate that to what the likelihood of future performance will be.

The powers that be and money is definitely power know that once the income tax checks roll in the less fortunate are going to be so elated they have money they are going on a shopping spree.  I see things on the horizon, all logic is out the window.

All those account receivables with late fees on all types of accounts are about to be brought current.  The late fees which are fees added on because you're too poor to pay the bill will be paid.  Late fees are not for services rendered they are normally for services that cannot be rendered any longer until you pay the bill.  The disconnect charges, the reconnect charges, and other miscellaneous I am going to stick it to those poor souls any way I can fees are totally legal.  I think they are highway robbery.

With technology as advanced as it is now it cannot possibly cost businesses as much to disconnect and reconnect a person's account.  I am sure it is automated to the point where it happens automatically.  The more you owe the more you pay in penalty, late charges, and interest.  The problem I have with this is because basic utilities people do not have out of convenience they should be considered items of necessity.  People need to stay warm, they need to have electricity, people need to be able to cook, wash, bathe, eat, they need to be able to live like human beings.  It is so ironic the cost and rates on utilities goes up and those services have much higher balances just in time for the tax season rescue.  Yes those refund checks are for spending when the stuff that has to be rescued have been paid.

I wish someone would go on a campaign and encourage the poor to use their buying power to increase their power.  If the poor and disenfranchised had a leader they would have power to lead.  A lot of people feel the biggest spenders are the ones who have the least.  We need a leader who will say you need to step back, look at your whole situation.  Look at the consequences of doing over doing that.  Don't spend up your money during this time of the year.  Wait until the mad rush is over if you really have to have certain items like a new television, new pocket, the latest wardrobe, new video games, etc.  The prices will be higher as the W-2's from 2014 start rolling out.

Just one year could the poor people irregardless of everything culturally, socially, or economically band together and maybe even start a slush fund or some type of consolidated fund and vow no more, no way, no how.  We are going to use this money to build us back up.  We want our children to have schools they can be proud to attend once again.  We want our streets to be safe.  We want our children to have a future.  We want the thugs and drugs replaced with hugs.  We want to be able to hug our children versus looking at them from behind a glass wall with a speaker. We want to see our kin folk clean and sober.  Laugh, talk, and play games, have cook-outs, and outings, be able sit around and enjoy the fruits of their labor with family and friends and not have to worry about any criminal elements.

The poor and disenfranchised are throwing away their power.  We need strong leadership to lead and guide the masses on taking a chance on us.  We need to lead people to the 1% population that will pay it forward.  We don't need to keep relying on hand outs and focus our agenda on a hand up.

I wish I could get a figure and I know it would staggering.  What is the dollar amount of all tax refunds to the poor and disenfranchised and what the economic impact would be if it could be used to benefit us instead of enslave us to the same guiding principles and ideologies which has always enslaved us.