My Biggest Challenge: Finding Value in Self when Everything Seems to be in Depreciation Mode

Sometimes I feel as if with some song verses playing over and over in my head there are challenges which play over and over in my life.  One of the biggest challenges it seems I face is being valued by others at what I feel I am worth.  Since most of my life I was showered with normally more than I needed I am not used to asking for anything.  I find it truly amazing nowadays that favor has all but dwindled away. Had I known I would have tried to put some of those blessings I shrugged off on layaway.  I was never ungrateful.  In fact, most of the time I received anything even the simplest of things I normally jumped up and down with joy.

Whether it is a business relationship or a personal relationship they all seem to be playing the same tune right about now.  Everything seems to be purposely orchestrated in decrescendo style   Even though I've been on break literally for seven months now I feel like I should rest for the next four bars as is quite common after a phrases of decrescendo in a musical masterpiece.  This masterpiece is my life.

I'm old enough and humbled enough to all choices and actions have consequences and most often equal and opposite reactions.  Right?  Well I'm beginning to wonder.  I've prayed over and over again for a fix.  If it is me I pray for the guidance to mend my ways.  Vision to see my way above and beyond the clutter.

I guess the reason why it is such a challenge for me to me to be undervalued is because I am a giver.  The type of person who believes in giving until it hurts especially to the people I love, love to be around, or want to be around.  I'm not talking just of monetary gifts.  I'm mainly talking about giving all of me.  When it has come to helping friends get to that next level I've been right there.  When it has come to supporting my direct reports in getting challenging projects underway, deployed, and executed I've been right there.  When it has come to supporting significant others in my life I've been right there hook line and sinker.  I don't look for anything in return.  I really would like a balance.  I'm seeing more and more the more someone keeps giving and giving and is not reciprocated all it is doing is depleting that persons store house.  I feel like I can't keep giving and not get anything back because I'm going to not give up but give out.  I feel there is a huge difference with giving up and giving out.

I always watched the people in my family work hard so they could play harder.  Now I can honestly say my parents both were very happy with what they did and what they were paid.  They were both in positions were they supervised a staff of employees.  I have done very well in managerial/supervisory roles as well as far as being a major contributor but the contributions were not reciprocated by pay.

I guess I got used to wages being fair because my parents were treated fairly in regards to pay.  Trust they would go toe to toe until they were the highest paid in their pay scale.  They didn't settle they fought and got the change they wanted to see.  In fact, I remember the last fight my Mother fought was for principle and not for pay.  She at least wanted to be heard.

For many years along the way I have been spoiled, I hardly ever had to ask for anything.  My parents were the type who didn't want their children to want for anything and so for the most part we didn't learn the art of having to be demanding and because of our cultural roots we definitely did not learn the art of begging.  As children we did as we were told so we didn't learn the art of negotiation as much either.  I didn't have to make deals.  I knew how much my allowance was each week.  My Mother paid for everything and had all the snacks and anything else we would spend our allowance on brought in abundance for us.  I normally purchased gifts and more real items with my money.

We had games, televisions, bicycles, pool tables, air hockey table, ping pong tables, my Mom had a four story house on the lake with a two car garage that we visited most weekends, the most expensive Daisy BB rifles for target practice on the bottom level of the home, and over the stairway at my grand parents home.  Toys, clothes, coats, shoes, jewelry, jackets, parties, outings, and money.  As we got older finances got tighter.  So I am accustomed to having and not having.

In most recent years I have seen more of the not having than I thought I would ever experience in life.  The cost of everything has been escalating and the revenues to meet those costs seem to be on a constant decline.  Sorry for having to sound so negative but the truth is the light.

Over the years my personal property taxes have escalated, the cost of gas has escalated, the cost to have a near decent car has escalated, the cost of car insurance has escalated, the price of food has escalated, the cost of entertainment has escalated, the cost for home repairs and upgrades has escalated, the costs for homeowners insurance has escalated, the cost of home utilities has gone out the roof, the cost of having more than the basic television channels has escalated, the costs for communication services has escalated, the costs spending time with family and friends has escalated.  The cost of a cup of coffee and a bag of potato chips, well you guessed it, it has escalated.

Now that I'm on the escalated band wagon it seems as if the word escalate is a double edge sword.  I feel my qualifications have escalated, my having the skills to go toe to toe with the best in what I do has escalated, my web presence as far as search engine optimization I have been able to get to escalate when it matters most, my knowledge I feel has escalated, my skills have escalated to the point that I feel I am a beast (in the best way ) at what I do.

When I start a new project I can dig right in and determine where the issues are and map out and design a viable resolution.  I get it.  I can see where a process needs to be.  What the are the best practices to implement to get something going and keep moving forward .  I know data.  I am very good at data manipulation, troubleshooting issues with the processes as they are now, recommending doable solutions which will save lots of time.  I can even develop, deploy, test, implement, and maintain the process.  I am very functionally literate.  It is a skill set that can't be bought.

When it comes to getting paid I feel like I always get played.  Which is really surprising in a day with so much being available online  as to current pay scales for particular positions with details as to what they encompass.  Who can complain about pay when there are so many who are not getting paid at all.  I'm not complaining, I am just awe struck.  I know our economy has a lot more rebounding to do.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  The analysis I need to do on self far outweighs the challenges of being under valued as I see it.  Knowing expenses have sky rocketed and I am making less than I have in years I have to do a lot of cutback and cut out.  Not knowing what tomorrow may bring I realize it is also important to set aside as many pennies as I can muster as well.

Even though I am an empty nested now I fortunately don't have to worry about my biggest fear during my child rearing years of my children ever going to flip a light switch and the lights not coming on.  Them never having to go to run water and get an drip less tap.  I remember once when a previous employer told me I wouldn't leave because I had a family to support.  The very next Sunday paper that came out I applied for one position, went through the personality tests, background investigation, medical exam, aptitude tests, and placement tests and got hired.  I blew everyone else out the water when it came to the tests.  The same as I do when I take tests for skills even though I don't have the certifications I can normally score in the top tier of all people who ever took the tests.  Especially for the applications in the Microsoft Office software of applications with MS Access being my absolute favorite.  I am a firm believer whatever I choose to do make it my goal to do and be the best. I get it.  My gut feeling always is at the end of the day my work represents me.  Eventually, after all the processing with that job was done and I was hired as one of the final two people out of applicant pool of 1500 as I remember being told, I gave notice my previous employer a firm two week notice.  I left not because I was making less than everyone else it was because everyone ranked higher than me was complaining about how much I was making.  My supervisor did stand up for me and remind the group of all my contributions.  But as we know, haters gone hate.

The experiences since then have taught me it is much easier to get a job and a better pay if you have a job when you're looking.  If it had not been for the personal arrogance of my supervisor I would have never left.  But when people see you as needy the rules of engagement change.  When they feel you are at their mercy it is even worse.

People currently don't want to hire people who are not working.  In recent years when I wasn't gainfully employed my baby girl came to me and said Ma you got to do something.  I was at a point where I was just ready to give up.  She got me on where she was working and I think the best thing about it all once I was there I was offered other job opportunities.  It was incredible, even working fast food which was totally outside my area of expertise at the lowest job level and a number of times less than I was ever used to being paid was stability enough to get a job.  I needed to be working to get a job it seemed.  It didn't matter what job it just had to be a job.

Recently I've felt like just giving up again.  I recall watching the "Apple Mortgage Cake" movie last night.  I recorded and plan to watch it again tonight.  I cried during most of it.  I think I'll get more out of it watching it a second time around.  Challenges in life can come upon you like a thousand mid nights.

The most inspirational part at the end it seemed as if fairy tales really do come true with her having realized a change of life bigger than she could receive.  She sowed the seeds with hard work and dedication due to the desire to go on for her children.

I think I suffer the same fate which kept her down for so long "stubbornness."  Stubbornness can stunt growth.  Part of growing is recognizing and doing something as much as possible about the things that bind.  When you can handle the little things then the bigger things show up.

Truth be known I just feel grateful and blessed that I have a job.  With all the escalating costs every cent counts.  My biggest challenge is not normally finding a job.  My biggest challenge is not with performing a job.  My biggest challenge right now is going to be to use this opportunity to open the doors for bigger opportunities.

My goal for the upcoming days, weeks, or months is to stay mindful that things can be completely different from day to day.  My focus will be to be a good steward.  Be consistent with the best me I can be.  Position myself to be the change I want to see.  I feel if I can stay focused and keep the vision in sight I can definitely achieve it.

My Power Words: "I'm Going to Tell My Daddy!"

First and foremost let me say "Happy Easter" to everyone!

"I WANT ALL FOUR DRESSES!".  The most memorable Easter season for me was when I was a child. We had gone out shopping for Easter clothes.  It was this one Easter shopping spree when I pushed the envelope as far as I could push it.  I was head strong and had to have my way.  It took me years to realize the true meaning of Easter and during that time I wasn't living it. We had already exhausted almost everywhere else in town to look for dresses.  My Mother was determined she wasn't going to pay the high prices at my favorite dress place for me a dress and well I had something completely different in mind.  I held out because I knew there was no where else she would want to get my brother's suit than the place that tailored it the best.  We ended up at my favorite children's store in Ghent over on Colley Avenue called Dollie and Bobbies (sp).  They had a side for the boys and a side for the girls separated by a wall partition. During this particular shopping spree there were four dresses I fell in love with.  I loved their dresses because they would measure and hem them so they were a perfect for a tomboy like me as I was deemed.  If I could have gotten a $1 for every time I heard "Lynne you don't do that in a dress" I could have done my own shopping.  My dresses were always hemmed to a length were I could comfortably climb a tree, ride a bike, and play and have awesome fun all in a dress.  I didn't see myself as being a tomboy but just having fun.

During our shopping spree we were riding around in my Mom's red Cadillac which had a white convertible top with white wall tires that my father had paid cash money for as a gift to her.  My parents were divorced.  My Daddy loved my mother and there was nothing he wouldn't do for her.  My mother wore fur coats, leather shoes, had leather pocket books and shoes to match the color of her leather coats.  She had this big cluster diamond ring which cost her about $5K on her ring finger.  When my Father was on leave visiting Norfolk or stationed in Norfolk we went to the amusement park most nights and rode rides and spent all we want on games and food and drinks at the amusement park.  I said all that to say money being an issue didn't cross my mind.  Not to mention my mother had a baby daddy who was a very successful business man and he spent a lot of money on us too.

When we went up front my Mother asked which one did I want so I could put it on for them to measure and hem it. I said I want all four.  She said Lynne you are being ridiculous you can only wear one dress.  My reply was "I'm going to tell my Daddy."  Those were the only words I had to say to get my way.  Then we would go to Hofheimer's on Granby Street for shoes and then on to Rice Nachman's also on Granby Street for the other accessories like gloves, purses, hat, slips, and jewelry.  I remember getting the loveliest white and yellow heart shaped earrings, necklace, and bracelet to go with the dress and matching spring coat duo which actually was my favorite of the dresses and the one I wore on Easter Sunday.

Now I understand why she began having our clothes custom made by a seamstress.  They were really nice and she eliminated the need to deal with me.

When she returned us to my Grandma's house I recall their conversation was about me.  My Grandma told me you're going to make it so people can't stand you.  You can't always have your way.  They would rant and rave and once I had heard enough being the brat I was I would just say "I want to go live with my Daddy."  Oh and then it was on like hot buttered popcorn.  Those words blew up their temperament just like popping popcorn kernels.

Thankfully on the Saturday before Easter we were able to get our hairdo without wait time because we had a standing appointment.  My mother was a beautiful woman and she knew everyone in every place personally like all the stores, shops, and other places to keep herself looking good.

As a child I realized Easter was a big celebration.  It was one of the best shopping sprees of the year.  New everything (materially) from head to toe every Easter.  A food spread after Church on Easter Sunday with Ham, Cabbage, Candied Yams, Homemade Potato Salad, Oven-Baked Stuffing, Homemade Rolls, Baked Tomatoes, Pineapple Upside Down Cake, Three Layer Chocolate Cake, Sweet Potato Pies, Homemade Sweet Tea, Freezer full of Ice Cream, and yes last but not least Grandma's Fried Chicken, and Grandma's homemade specialty "Chicken and Dumplings made with a meat from a hen."  I probably watched my Grandmother prepare food moreover than anyone else and would often ask me to do the preparation like cut up the potatoes for the potato salad, help clean collard greens, prepare the green beans for cooking by breaking off the ends, chopping onions, cleaning crabs for frying, but never cook and whip up a whole meal.  She would always say I couldn't even boil water and I cook too fast.  When I would ask to cook she would say "just get your lesson."  Meaning to learn all I could and focus on getting an education.

And on top of that a surprise Easter Basket full of goodies.  Easter Egg hunts at the Norfolk Zoo on Easter Monday.  My goodness those were the days, Church, food, family, and fun.

I remember going to Church every Easter until the 1st year I went away to college.  I had to have the most expensive shoes because I was a spoiled brat for a good portion of my childhood.  When my grandchildren were told they were going to be taken to Burlington's by my mom to shop for Easter they replied they were going to wear the dresses they already had from their sixth grade promotion ceremony.  I was floored.  Do we have the same blood running through our veins or are they just so unlucky as to not to have a Daddy like mine?  I am humbled by their response.  Karma is something else.  It sometimes takes going through some things to see gratitude wins out over attitude any day.

Thankfully, over the years I have come to realize and embrace the true meaning of Easter.  Three days after his crucifixion Jesus Christ was resurrected from the dead.  One Bible verse which delivers a powerful message in this regards is Romans 8:11 which states "But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you" (NKJV)

I've seen that inner strength surface when I have been in some very dark places.  I have seen it surface and haven't realized it until the storm was over.  I believe the strength of the "Spirit of Him " is in me and it can keep rearing its beautiful head over and over again.  Because He had the strength to rise so I could live and be forgiven Amen!

My Daddy is deceased now.  But My Heavenly Father his child has been resurrected for anyone who believes in him will have everlasting life.  When times get rough, when times get good, I'm going to tell the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I am Going to Tell You.  There is power in the words I send up and your mercy is my grace.  Thank you Jesus for tapping into the Spirit in You and being resurrected from the dead.  

Let the Church say Amen!