It won't be long now. My lifetime if I live to see Sunday will have spanned 55 years. And tonight I am here wallowing in tears. This has been one of the roughest years of my existence.
My son is incarcerated, my eldest daughter is incarcerated. My mother is still suffering with the aches and pains she has been experiencing for decades now.
I don't usually cry about stuff I just let life roll with the punches. But I'm hurting. I took my grandson back yesterday. My plans for him was to spend ample time with him teaching him all the things I wanted to teach my own but never really got a chance to because I was working all the time.
While I was working all the time they were being led astray. They were succumbing to the life that had molded them in order to survive in their piece of the world. And the world wasn't always kind. The lone survivor was my baby, the one who was born premature by three months. Got a start undeveloped and developed into a force to be reckoned with, she was at one time a martial arts competitor in the International arena. She gave it all up for a force more powerful: love.
They never had to want for much materially. They never had to go and flip a switch or run the tap water and nothing was there. To that I am thankful to God. I am thankful to him for sparing my life when I was 45. I am thankful to him to still be alive.
They say that all is well that ends well. Whether it is a beginning, middle, or end sometimes you gotta bend. Sometimes you gotta go with the flow that goes against the grain of your existence not for self but for others.
There is nothing like ending up having spent your life doing for others who say you never and don't do anything for them. When your hair turns from red, to brown, to soft black, to soft grey, to bright grey over the span of a lifetime and sitting home in despair without a dime. I had to borrow twenty dollars from my mother today. That made me cry. Not that I had to borrow the twenty dollars but that I had to borrow it from my mother who is terminally disabled. I make a decent wage but it doesn't lend to much decency at my age.
At an age when men don't offer me the world just to have a whirl to create a path down memory lane with me. Yes I am don't like it but I am having a pity party. I'm 55 and I so get the lyrics that it's my party and I will cry if I want to now.
God speed. I feel, I hurt, I bleed, I cry, and at 55 there are more people it seems to be in competition with to keep me down than when I was 25. Now that was a good year. Young, energetic, kids taken care of, free, not yet married, trip to a tropical island, trip most every weekend to Atlantic City, Crystal City to eat seafood and chill, Dover Downs, New York, D.C., Carolina, any way the road would lead.
Now I feel like I have lived at least three lives and stopped counting: my childhood, my school years, my thirties, my forties, my fifties, and now as a silver fox that gets me senior citizen discounts prematurely because of my gray short Afro I am living and looking forward to my polished years.
God heals all. Whether they be wounds of the heart, wounds of the flesh, wounds of the spirit, I am a living witness he heals. When I have been broken-hearted he has healed me. When I was down to nothing he lifted me. When everyone turned their back on me he was there for me. When I had $.70 to my name today he provided a vessel that he has oiled and keeps going for me to get $20 from.
I look back at my baby pictures and often wonder why I wore braces. I have never heard the back story on that but I have come to the realization (more like speculation) after all these years that it was due to a failed abortion attempt. I have come to realize my mother wanted all boys is regret speech that abortion attempt the boy didn't survive. He was before me. No one has ever answered the question for me why I wore braces as a little girl and struggled to walk, had to learn to run. But by the grace of God he healed me. My legs were strong to fulfill the purpose of marching in a band and cheering in high school and in college. A lot of people don't know how much it meant to me to be able to do that knowing I could at one point in my life barely move my legs.
I don't know why God offers his shield of protection for some and not for others. I do see he is a Master Planner. The daughter surviving was necessary for the plans he had for punishment and suffering for what lay ahead.
I feel God knows us from the wound. No philosopher, psychiatrist, clergy, no one knows us like God.
I've messed a lot of things up and God has made a lot of things right. I will be the first to testify divine intervention has been the guidance that has led me over the hills and through the valleys. I am working towards being a better Christian because my goal is always to be better not bitter. Bitterness can rob happiness.
I'm rolling up on 55 and I imagine there won't be another 55 and how many more 5's it is God's will not mine. We don't get to call our own number even if we attempt we may fail.
I watch the young ones and see not even being able to talk they love life. They have an energy, enthusiasm to explore, touch, smell, and get familiar with and figure out the unknown. I aspire to be young again in spirit. I realize I am never too old to appreciate the joy in living. I will pay my mother back on my next payday. After nine months without a payday having a payday within itself is a blessing.
Don't hold me to the truth hold to your own truth. My views and opinions are my own.
When I had Lisa, Lewis, and Lauren I learned to love. When my grandchildren came along I learned there were little people who loved me. My grandson at one tells me he loves me. He don't say but a few words and when he says that he can say every word in the world that matters to me.
If I have learned nothing in this lifetime I have learned to keep going, God will take your heart and give it a brand new start. Praise him and be grateful for him at least one time a day.
My son is incarcerated, my eldest daughter is incarcerated. My mother is still suffering with the aches and pains she has been experiencing for decades now.
I don't usually cry about stuff I just let life roll with the punches. But I'm hurting. I took my grandson back yesterday. My plans for him was to spend ample time with him teaching him all the things I wanted to teach my own but never really got a chance to because I was working all the time.
While I was working all the time they were being led astray. They were succumbing to the life that had molded them in order to survive in their piece of the world. And the world wasn't always kind. The lone survivor was my baby, the one who was born premature by three months. Got a start undeveloped and developed into a force to be reckoned with, she was at one time a martial arts competitor in the International arena. She gave it all up for a force more powerful: love.
They never had to want for much materially. They never had to go and flip a switch or run the tap water and nothing was there. To that I am thankful to God. I am thankful to him for sparing my life when I was 45. I am thankful to him to still be alive.
They say that all is well that ends well. Whether it is a beginning, middle, or end sometimes you gotta bend. Sometimes you gotta go with the flow that goes against the grain of your existence not for self but for others.
There is nothing like ending up having spent your life doing for others who say you never and don't do anything for them. When your hair turns from red, to brown, to soft black, to soft grey, to bright grey over the span of a lifetime and sitting home in despair without a dime. I had to borrow twenty dollars from my mother today. That made me cry. Not that I had to borrow the twenty dollars but that I had to borrow it from my mother who is terminally disabled. I make a decent wage but it doesn't lend to much decency at my age.
At an age when men don't offer me the world just to have a whirl to create a path down memory lane with me. Yes I am don't like it but I am having a pity party. I'm 55 and I so get the lyrics that it's my party and I will cry if I want to now.
God speed. I feel, I hurt, I bleed, I cry, and at 55 there are more people it seems to be in competition with to keep me down than when I was 25. Now that was a good year. Young, energetic, kids taken care of, free, not yet married, trip to a tropical island, trip most every weekend to Atlantic City, Crystal City to eat seafood and chill, Dover Downs, New York, D.C., Carolina, any way the road would lead.
Now I feel like I have lived at least three lives and stopped counting: my childhood, my school years, my thirties, my forties, my fifties, and now as a silver fox that gets me senior citizen discounts prematurely because of my gray short Afro I am living and looking forward to my polished years.
God heals all. Whether they be wounds of the heart, wounds of the flesh, wounds of the spirit, I am a living witness he heals. When I have been broken-hearted he has healed me. When I was down to nothing he lifted me. When everyone turned their back on me he was there for me. When I had $.70 to my name today he provided a vessel that he has oiled and keeps going for me to get $20 from.
I look back at my baby pictures and often wonder why I wore braces. I have never heard the back story on that but I have come to the realization (more like speculation) after all these years that it was due to a failed abortion attempt. I have come to realize my mother wanted all boys is regret speech that abortion attempt the boy didn't survive. He was before me. No one has ever answered the question for me why I wore braces as a little girl and struggled to walk, had to learn to run. But by the grace of God he healed me. My legs were strong to fulfill the purpose of marching in a band and cheering in high school and in college. A lot of people don't know how much it meant to me to be able to do that knowing I could at one point in my life barely move my legs.
I don't know why God offers his shield of protection for some and not for others. I do see he is a Master Planner. The daughter surviving was necessary for the plans he had for punishment and suffering for what lay ahead.
I feel God knows us from the wound. No philosopher, psychiatrist, clergy, no one knows us like God.
I've messed a lot of things up and God has made a lot of things right. I will be the first to testify divine intervention has been the guidance that has led me over the hills and through the valleys. I am working towards being a better Christian because my goal is always to be better not bitter. Bitterness can rob happiness.
I'm rolling up on 55 and I imagine there won't be another 55 and how many more 5's it is God's will not mine. We don't get to call our own number even if we attempt we may fail.
I watch the young ones and see not even being able to talk they love life. They have an energy, enthusiasm to explore, touch, smell, and get familiar with and figure out the unknown. I aspire to be young again in spirit. I realize I am never too old to appreciate the joy in living. I will pay my mother back on my next payday. After nine months without a payday having a payday within itself is a blessing.
Don't hold me to the truth hold to your own truth. My views and opinions are my own.
When I had Lisa, Lewis, and Lauren I learned to love. When my grandchildren came along I learned there were little people who loved me. My grandson at one tells me he loves me. He don't say but a few words and when he says that he can say every word in the world that matters to me.
If I have learned nothing in this lifetime I have learned to keep going, God will take your heart and give it a brand new start. Praise him and be grateful for him at least one time a day.
