I just got up out the bed. In fact I have been getting up and getting out of bed and going back to bed. Another day in the life of a single person who has no one, who has nothing and there seems to be no possibility of hope. I find it really ironic that people hate me because I'm smart. Mainly because I feel dumb, ignorant, and stupid.
Yep, I have no job. Yep I have no man. Yep people distance themselves from me because they think I am going to ask them for some money. Why? I certainly have never asked their arsk for any money in the past. People don't ask they just assume, and furthermore they always assume the worst.
I don't go out much because I always run into the ones who are wrong for me. There is got to be something wrong with me to always keep attracting or being interested in someone who is totally wrong for me. I think the thing that is wrong to me is that I am really dumb, ignorant, and stupid. So all the haters who have hated so long you have hated wrong I'm not smart.
If I was smart, I would be retiring from a tenured position rather than leaving so many positions that could have been in a life long perspective great. If I was smart I would have not had children out of wedlock. I wouldn't have believed in the pipe dream that one day he would get it together and we would be together forever. I wouldn't have had to raise three children on my own with no support if I had been smart.
If I had been smart I would have never gotten married. I would have continued on being me and doing well. I would not have gotten married to someone who I was not equally yoked with. I would have waited since I had waited until I was 32 anyways to get married I would have waited a little longer if I was smart.
If I was smart I would have listened to my grandmother more and rebelled less. I wouldn't have suffered 1 of the stuff I have suffered if only I would have listened to her. Instead of tuning out what she was saying always like "her she goes again."
If I was smart I would have been packing my bags when my daddy stroked the check for me to go to Oxford. I wouldn't have been so stupid as to not know the people I called friends and one in particular my high school sweetheart would not be my friends when as a result of my bad decisions would not be a friend when I needed him and his children needed him.
If I was smart I wouldn't be hurting so bad right now. I wouldn't be in tears feeling like the dumbest, stupidest, most ignorant person in the world. Define smart.
If I was smart I wouldn't have given up when I realized my children weren't going to college. I gave up being gainfully employed years ago. I was tired. I had worked hard and all the hard work I had done was for them to go to college. When they didn't go I was crushed and figured like one day what am I doing all this for?
If I was smart so many things would be different. If I was smart when I knew my job was coming to an end last year I would have had another job lined up. If I was smart I would have learned by past experiences and realized it is easier to find another job when you already have one. It is a hundred times harder to get a job when you're not working. I think employers must look at you as being lazy. Being over 50 doesn't help either.
I look back over my life and all the challenges I have faced no doubt as a result of my decisions and decisions I didn't make. Life we know is all about choices. If I was smart I would realize that making the same choices render the same results. If I was smart I would realize I need to stop looking for challenges and look for rewards.
If I was smart in love I would realize I need to start accepting the advances of men I'm not attracted to because the ones I'm attracted to do me no good. If I was smart I would realize a man less attractive than me would love me many times over and a man who everyone other woman is attracted to will never know what love is.
If I was smart I would realize I should just suffer in silence rather than even letting someone in my space until I have everything in place. If I was smart I would realize it is okay to be alone. It is better to be alone than having to feel lonely.
If I was smart I would realize nothing is guaranteed and good deeds will necessitate someone even appreciating your efforts. If I was smart I would realize people get what they want and move on. Even some times without even a simple thank you.
If I was smart I would realize not to let the lack of other folks gratitude cause me to have an attitude. If I was smart I would realize a lot of people don't even care and don't even worse some folks don't even know how to care.
If I was smart I would realize it was a true blessing to have been raised by my grandparents. If I was smart I would realize it taught me to live a life of substance than subsistence. If I was smart I would have keep on the path they laid ahead of me.
But no dumb old me keeps falling in the same contraption time and time again. So yep I feel dumb, ignorant, and stupid as a result of it.
Some people say I go into hiding. No I'm not going into hiding. I am going into living. I'm going to just concentrate and focus on me. I will see very little of people because I don't like drama. I don't like being hurt. I don't like being manipulated against. I don't like being blacklisted. I don't like feeling as if I have to kiss arsk which don't need to be kissed in order to get things going just because someone else wants me to. I don't have to fall into the trap of men sticking together to keep women beneath them. I don't have to feel like because of my being black I have to step back. I don't have to feel like because I am unemployed I don't have a future. I don't have to feel like because I don't have a man I'm less of a woman. I don't have to feel like because I don't have a man I go the other way which I don't. I don't have to feel like because I don't have a man I cannot participate in functions where it is mostly couples. I don't go into hiding. I go into living. I am not going to hide from life as I know it. I am going to hide from BS but I don't like the smell, feel, or look of it.
Now my buddy who says my blog is a diary of a mad black woman. He would definitely be correct right now today.
