I loved my daddy. I just wish once he would have sat me down and said baby girl don't expect to receive what you've been given when you become a woman. Chances are you'll never find a man as generous as me, you'll never find a man as wholesomely loving as me, you'll never find a man to take care of his responsibilities like me, you'll never find a man who wants to show you the world like me, you'll never find a man who loves you because you're you like I do.
Some things are hereditary and some things are learned, I'm thankful my son had the chance to know my father before he left this life. June 2008 was the absolute toughest month of my life when my father passed and my son was incarcerated. I've been thinking about it real heavy this week because my son is still in the hole. I miss talking to him like we usually do and it seems it has been a couple of months now. But thankfully he is using his down time to make preparation for his up time. He sent me the application with the four colleges he's applying to for the fall and it's been mailed off. He's also been busy lining up a job as well.
The thing I love most about the men in my life that mattered most (my grandfather, my father, and my son) in my life is the intellect, the love, and the compassion. "Provide, profess, and protect" was something which comes naturally and when its not there it can't be forced.
My father did ask me one day to be more tolerant in a bad place in my ex-marriage. There were side chicks my ex had and drained all our savings and was expending our checking account funds on to the point where the mortgage went unpaid. I was thinking everything was covered because I made enough money alone to cover everything. He was retired and he normally paid everything by check from our joint checking account. My daddy told me to just let it go. He stroked me a check to pay it that day and I told him I would get him the money back. Thankfully I had the forethought to put a little money aside in my own slush fund and some investments as well so other things didn't have to suffer or go unpaid.
In all my adult years I really don't remember a time when I have lived a life to depend on a man to take care of me. I started out as a single mother so I learned early on to do things and don't wait for them to get done. Financially I lost big when I was married. Thankfully, I had a job. I didn't want anything as part of the divorce and I've had a 25K vehicle show up on my credit since my divorce when I was driving a car that was paid for which I found out about during a background investigation. I've been gainfully unemployed since September of this year. I have had a couple of brothers who say they don't get into relationships with women who are gainfully unemployed. I say to myself, Thank God! I truly understand I held a man down for two years when he literally broke his back in a fall and couldn't work and I was married to him. To imagine someone having to endure taking care of another adult day in and day out I know the weight of it all. I wouldn't wish it on no one.
When I met my ex I didn't know I was his side chick. Or really more like his other side chick. He was still legally married and I didn't know that either. His marriage was one of those where they had agreed to live together until they were legally divorced and then he got the house in North Carolina. He stayed up here in Virginia. His other woman stayed up north with her mother. I wanted to end it when I found out about the side chick and I definitely wanted to end it when I found out about the wife upon a visit to North Carolina, he told me on the way down when he was about to rent the property out and she hadn't left soon enough so he had to tell me. But it so happens that the divorce was final that next day. He made her new friend that she was going to marry give him $1800 of his money back for something. I'll never forget that scene. He had photos of her performing sexual acts with the guy so he said. I asked him was he really going to take the money and he did. It seems to be something about men and pride no matter what being non-existent when it comes to money.
I wrote all this to say I'm not nobody's side chick. I've been to h@ll and back. The photo in this post is from one of those days when things escalated out of control. I was in my daughter's room trying not to leave the house wit the kids during his rages as I often did and stayed in a hotel in Suffolk for the weekend. This time I was going to stay at home and deal with his demons. When he began getting too loud I went in my daughter's room and shut the door. He knocked his way through it and that's him in the photo fixing the door back. In retrospect I guess I should be thankful that his actions caused him to think for a moment. I saw the rage on his face when he busted through the door and he apparently saw the terror on mine. I think God stepped in the midst of the situation that day. Everyone has answers but no one has your story. I took this photo among others to remind me of a place and space that needed fixing. We went to counseling but it didn't help. What happened was the source of the pain for him started to unfold. I felt sorry for him. That's why one of my first dating questions is "how was your childhood?", "how was your life growing up?". One thing I realize later in life you can't love someone who doesn't know what love is. And he never and really I could never understand why I never said "I love you" to him. He would always tell me he was going to make me love him. Now I have loved a man and expressed it. I see now you can't love what doesn't exist. And love between some people just does not exist. I married him because I was tired of so many men chasing me and it looked bad appearance wise. I was listening to what other folks were saying. I didn't have an issue with being single. There is no way humanly possible I could have been with the men who were chasing me. I had one main squeeze. He told me he wouldn't be ready to marry for at least a year when I told him I was getting married. I didn't tell him I was getting married so he would ask me to marry him. I knew he wasn't ready for marriage. He had the same issue I had, a whole lot of women was chasing him. But a "friend" told me he was chasing one of them. When you're single and desirable you don't have to go looking for dirt on no one people will bring it right to your doorstep. The problem was no one had any dirt on my ex. He was a smooth player. He was watching them while they were watching him.
My staying home, watching television, being on the computer, reading hasn't changed much over the years. It just seems when you don't do a lot, people are always looking harder to see what you may be doing. So everything little thing you do gets escalated a thousand fold.
It will be a cold day down there before I willingly return. To add insult to injury within the last year or so my ex told me about all the extra affairs he had with friends and family members of mine who I knew. To tell you the truth, I already had such a strong hunch it didn't matter. I already knew he didn't know Jesus from the way he treated his own mother. She would tell me he was jealous of me. At the time, I couldn't see it, I would say he can't be jealous of me I'm his wife.
Yes being out of work is hard. A relationship is definitely best when all parties can bring something of value to the table. But a open line of communication is key.
I had one jerk who I have been friends with for a number of years to ask me what happened, when he met me I had money. I wanted so desperately to say "you". Needless to say we are no longer friends, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's been well over a year now since I had my "aha moment" it took him up until about six months ago to realize it.
When I really need something, my brother will ask me "what do you need?". I've had a man stroke a check for me twice for my mortgage in the twenty years I've been a homeowner. Once when in 2004 when I was out of work and again in 2010 when I had been out of work for over a year. My first cousin loaned me the money to pay my mortgage one month in 2010 as well. I paid her back by the time I said I would.
I'm doing my best to handle my obstacles as I go. I don't wake up in the morning thinking who do I need to call on other than Jesus to help me pay my bills today. No that's just not me.
I never learned to work a man for money. I'm thinking about my ex's high priced prostitute who is a public figure. He told me she knew how to work a man. I'm sure she did. I don't even want to or have a desire to be a kept woman.
I am thankful the one time I was offered to be a kept woman I turned it down. The irony of it was that I was underemployed that year. My son was incarcerated. I was the major supporter of his canteen. The dude said he wanted me to be his woman and not work. Something told me to ask him right then what about my son needing money? He said he wasn't going to do anything for my son. Okay, that won't work. Thankfully I got a job soon thereafter where I was making five times more than the year before.
It just amazes me how people will kick you in the butt and don't even know your story. God help them. All I can do is pray. I pray for them and me one in the same because it is God's decision as to whom he decides to bestow his favor upon. God helps those who help themselves. I am thankful he doesn't have to reach back for input from others to make my way.
Wishing everyone reading this post a victorious life. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Some things are hereditary and some things are learned, I'm thankful my son had the chance to know my father before he left this life. June 2008 was the absolute toughest month of my life when my father passed and my son was incarcerated. I've been thinking about it real heavy this week because my son is still in the hole. I miss talking to him like we usually do and it seems it has been a couple of months now. But thankfully he is using his down time to make preparation for his up time. He sent me the application with the four colleges he's applying to for the fall and it's been mailed off. He's also been busy lining up a job as well.
The thing I love most about the men in my life that mattered most (my grandfather, my father, and my son) in my life is the intellect, the love, and the compassion. "Provide, profess, and protect" was something which comes naturally and when its not there it can't be forced.
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| A reminder I will choose love. |
In all my adult years I really don't remember a time when I have lived a life to depend on a man to take care of me. I started out as a single mother so I learned early on to do things and don't wait for them to get done. Financially I lost big when I was married. Thankfully, I had a job. I didn't want anything as part of the divorce and I've had a 25K vehicle show up on my credit since my divorce when I was driving a car that was paid for which I found out about during a background investigation. I've been gainfully unemployed since September of this year. I have had a couple of brothers who say they don't get into relationships with women who are gainfully unemployed. I say to myself, Thank God! I truly understand I held a man down for two years when he literally broke his back in a fall and couldn't work and I was married to him. To imagine someone having to endure taking care of another adult day in and day out I know the weight of it all. I wouldn't wish it on no one.
When I met my ex I didn't know I was his side chick. Or really more like his other side chick. He was still legally married and I didn't know that either. His marriage was one of those where they had agreed to live together until they were legally divorced and then he got the house in North Carolina. He stayed up here in Virginia. His other woman stayed up north with her mother. I wanted to end it when I found out about the side chick and I definitely wanted to end it when I found out about the wife upon a visit to North Carolina, he told me on the way down when he was about to rent the property out and she hadn't left soon enough so he had to tell me. But it so happens that the divorce was final that next day. He made her new friend that she was going to marry give him $1800 of his money back for something. I'll never forget that scene. He had photos of her performing sexual acts with the guy so he said. I asked him was he really going to take the money and he did. It seems to be something about men and pride no matter what being non-existent when it comes to money.
I wrote all this to say I'm not nobody's side chick. I've been to h@ll and back. The photo in this post is from one of those days when things escalated out of control. I was in my daughter's room trying not to leave the house wit the kids during his rages as I often did and stayed in a hotel in Suffolk for the weekend. This time I was going to stay at home and deal with his demons. When he began getting too loud I went in my daughter's room and shut the door. He knocked his way through it and that's him in the photo fixing the door back. In retrospect I guess I should be thankful that his actions caused him to think for a moment. I saw the rage on his face when he busted through the door and he apparently saw the terror on mine. I think God stepped in the midst of the situation that day. Everyone has answers but no one has your story. I took this photo among others to remind me of a place and space that needed fixing. We went to counseling but it didn't help. What happened was the source of the pain for him started to unfold. I felt sorry for him. That's why one of my first dating questions is "how was your childhood?", "how was your life growing up?". One thing I realize later in life you can't love someone who doesn't know what love is. And he never and really I could never understand why I never said "I love you" to him. He would always tell me he was going to make me love him. Now I have loved a man and expressed it. I see now you can't love what doesn't exist. And love between some people just does not exist. I married him because I was tired of so many men chasing me and it looked bad appearance wise. I was listening to what other folks were saying. I didn't have an issue with being single. There is no way humanly possible I could have been with the men who were chasing me. I had one main squeeze. He told me he wouldn't be ready to marry for at least a year when I told him I was getting married. I didn't tell him I was getting married so he would ask me to marry him. I knew he wasn't ready for marriage. He had the same issue I had, a whole lot of women was chasing him. But a "friend" told me he was chasing one of them. When you're single and desirable you don't have to go looking for dirt on no one people will bring it right to your doorstep. The problem was no one had any dirt on my ex. He was a smooth player. He was watching them while they were watching him.
My staying home, watching television, being on the computer, reading hasn't changed much over the years. It just seems when you don't do a lot, people are always looking harder to see what you may be doing. So everything little thing you do gets escalated a thousand fold.
It will be a cold day down there before I willingly return. To add insult to injury within the last year or so my ex told me about all the extra affairs he had with friends and family members of mine who I knew. To tell you the truth, I already had such a strong hunch it didn't matter. I already knew he didn't know Jesus from the way he treated his own mother. She would tell me he was jealous of me. At the time, I couldn't see it, I would say he can't be jealous of me I'm his wife.
Yes being out of work is hard. A relationship is definitely best when all parties can bring something of value to the table. But a open line of communication is key.
I had one jerk who I have been friends with for a number of years to ask me what happened, when he met me I had money. I wanted so desperately to say "you". Needless to say we are no longer friends, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's been well over a year now since I had my "aha moment" it took him up until about six months ago to realize it.
When I really need something, my brother will ask me "what do you need?". I've had a man stroke a check for me twice for my mortgage in the twenty years I've been a homeowner. Once when in 2004 when I was out of work and again in 2010 when I had been out of work for over a year. My first cousin loaned me the money to pay my mortgage one month in 2010 as well. I paid her back by the time I said I would.
I'm doing my best to handle my obstacles as I go. I don't wake up in the morning thinking who do I need to call on other than Jesus to help me pay my bills today. No that's just not me.
I never learned to work a man for money. I'm thinking about my ex's high priced prostitute who is a public figure. He told me she knew how to work a man. I'm sure she did. I don't even want to or have a desire to be a kept woman.
I am thankful the one time I was offered to be a kept woman I turned it down. The irony of it was that I was underemployed that year. My son was incarcerated. I was the major supporter of his canteen. The dude said he wanted me to be his woman and not work. Something told me to ask him right then what about my son needing money? He said he wasn't going to do anything for my son. Okay, that won't work. Thankfully I got a job soon thereafter where I was making five times more than the year before.
It just amazes me how people will kick you in the butt and don't even know your story. God help them. All I can do is pray. I pray for them and me one in the same because it is God's decision as to whom he decides to bestow his favor upon. God helps those who help themselves. I am thankful he doesn't have to reach back for input from others to make my way.
Wishing everyone reading this post a victorious life. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
