My Heart is Heavy - My Mother is in the Hospital

On today my heart is very heavy.  I went over to my Mother's house this afternoon to check on her.  I went back in her bedroom.  She looked rougher than I have ever seen her look.  I inquired as to whether or not she wanted me to call the paramedics.  She replied no my brother was going to take her to the emergency room later in the day after he got off work.

I immediately called my brother and asked could I go ahead and call the paramedics to take her to the emergency room because of how she looked.  She was still in a lot of excruciating pain.  She had been asking the nurses to change her catheter for the past few days.  They refused.  She kept telling them it wasn't in right and it needed to be corrected.  They kept blowing her off.

My brother had even called to tell them they needed to send someone out to specifically address the issue with her catheter.  The nurse who they sent out on yesterday refused.  She refused because the linen on her bed was wet.  My mother had a bed sheet and a diaper on.

At the hospital on today the attending nurse said my mother 1350 ml of urine in her bladder.  My mother barely weighs 90 pounds.  The nurse also offered to her she didn't realize she could hold that much.

It is sad that professionals who are getting paid to care for the elderly think it is too much of a hassle to do their job.  Thank God for the professionals who take the time to be attentive, caring, and open to better the health of their patients.

I am used to my mother making visits to and from the hospital due to her Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  However, I think it is a bit much when she has to suffer due to the recklessness of others.

Today was especially hard since it is a day of remembrance.  My mother worked civil service for 29-1/2 years at a local military installation.  She was Supervisor of the Tumor Registry for the latter part of her career.  She worked with a lot of Veterans and their family who were patients of the Cancer ward.  She did interviews and follow-ups.  She is the granddaughter of a World War I Veteran (now deceased), the daughter of a World War II Veteran (now deceased), the first wife of a Navy Veteran (now deceased), and the Mother of a Army Veteran.  With her family history, work history, and educational pursuits and friendships she is one of those people who have interacted with a lot of Veterans and heroes in her day.  Among them were Purple Heart Recipients.

I can't remember a year she didn't celebrate Memorial Day.  She always liked to have her hot dog cooked until it was burnt.  For her it wasn't about the food though, it was the feeding of wholesomeness of so many great men and women who always make this day memorable.

God on this day I am asking for your healing mercies to be bestowed upon my Mother in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I pray. Amen!

I Feel Your Pain

Have you ever seen someone pour their heart out.  Well, I have.  And the times when it hurts the most is when you really want to be able to do something, anything to ease their pain and you can't.

They say things happen in threes and it seems lately the old saying has been holding true.  When you look into someone's eyes and see the hurt and pain they are going through and it is nothing you can do to help is one the most helpless feelings I have ever experienced.  It really makes one realize how precious our lives really are.

When my mother is telling me days how much pain she is in.  All I can do is listen.  The Lord up in heaven above knows how much I wish there was something I could do to ease her pain.  With MS you have up days and down days.  You can visually see the change in her bone structure.  When you hear the hurt and pain in their voice over the phone and there is nothing you can physically do to help is the most helpless feeling in the world.

Sometimes I sit and wonder why good people have to suffer?  But I know it is all part of God's plan.  Sometimes it can be they need to go through what they are going through to be a witness to someone else.  When someone can go through so much and still keep their faith you know with all they are going through God still has them.  I feel God sometimes uses us to be the voice for those people who cannot be a voice for themselves.

Any of my family or friends know whatever the time, day, or hour you may need me I always try and be there.  If just my presence can add a bit of comfort I'm all in.

I understand sometimes the best you can do for others is just to let them have their space.  I am the last person in the world with my A Type personality to be overbearing.  Sometimes we have to be selfless enough to let people weather their storms no matter how much we want to reach out and hold and console them.

Prayer helps.  And my family, friends, and loved ones just know I'm praying for you.  They say you have not because you ask not.  I'm asking for a miracle for healing mercies and blessings.

Always,

Lynne

I'm About to Get My Second Win!

There used to a phrase I heard a lot growing up.  The elders would often say she's about tot get her second wind.  I would like to change that up a little bit because right now I feel like I'm about to get my second WIN.

Lord up in heaven above knows I know what it feels like to be drenched in a storm without an umbrella.  My hair is wet, my face is wet, my clothes are wet, my skin is wet, my feet are squishing in my tennis shoes wet with rain.  I am so wet I'm just standing still and just letting the rain pour down on me.

I once heard it is when you run in the rain when you get most wet.  I just standing here and it is pouring down rain, rain, rain, and more rain.  Thoughts I have none.  Plan B to get out of this rain I have none.  It is just raining so hard I don't know which way to go or what to do.

Literally, I feel this describes my life over the past six years.  I have seen torrential rains.  I have endured massive flooding.  The weather vane broke.

If I walk to the right or to the left I have to feel the squishing noise in my sneakers because they are drenching with rain.  I just stand there not to hear the noise.  I braving this storm with no umbrella.

Rain water is good for the hair.  I hope it is good for my skin and clothes as well.  Only time will tell.

Finally, the storm is over.  I look silly just standing there drenched from the rain.  My hair is soaking wet causing water to run down my face.  My face is soaking wet and the more I wipe the more it seems the water from my head is rolling down on my face.  I take both hands and wipe down on my clothing as if it is going to dry me off.  I look down at my feet which feel like I am standing in a puddle inside my shoes and be like oh no, I am soaked.

The sun comes out to offer a ray of hope.  It serves as the heat which helps to dry me off.  But I'm going to need to go inside and take off these wet shoes.  Get naked and toss my clothes in the clothes hamper.  Get a a towel and some body wash, shampoo, and head to the shower.  Run a hot shower.  Let the water flow through my hair, let it fall down to my skin, use some body wash with a little scrubbing action to get my skin extra soft.  Wash and rinse my body until the water runs cold.  After the water runs cold I reach for my towel to dry my skin off.  I go and lay a towel across my bed and just lay down with the other towel on top of me.  I lay there with the intent of only laying down for a moment, long enough to dry off but I fall off to sleep.

When I wake up my hair has dried naturally, my body has dried naturally.  I get up and reach for some lotion to moisturize my skin.  I wrap the towel around me and go into the bathroom to get a brush to brush my hair in place.  It dried natural but it has no style or shape to it.  I brush my hair back flat.  I put some moisturizer on my hair and leave it like that.  I don't want to add any heat to it to dry it out.

I go find a comfortable dress to wear around the house that can also double as a dress to go to the convenience store in.  I sit and lounge for a minute taking in the refreshing moment of no longer being in a storm and everything being back to normal.

I go outside and see the rain has all the way subsided, the sun is now shining brightly, the flowers are blooming beautifully, the leaves on the trees are greener, the grass is greener, the sidewalks look like they have been power washed.  Next,  SNAPSHOT.  This is a moment I want time to embrace and capture.

I didn't go through a storm like this literally but over the past year I feel I've gone through a storm like this figuratively.  I feel like the storm is finally moving on.  I'm going to reap my harvest.  The chains are breaking and there is a new day dawning.

Lord knows six years of frustration, depression, lack of desire, and lack of interest in a lot of things will be nearing a close.  I can see the hope for renewal on the horizon.  It has been a long time coming but as the song says "a change is going to come."

We don't know the time, nor the place, nor the minute, nor the second.  All we know is some things are inevitable.  Lord I feel like I can see the finish line.  Thank you for all you've done and everything you're about to do.

I've seen times of great success in the past and my spirit tells me it is harvest season again.  Thank you Lord, thank you.

Amen!

They Are a Tough Act to Follow

There are three women whom I would like to give a special shout out to on this Mother's Day.  My mother, Maxine DeLois Cowan Ruffin, my Grandmother, Lois Louise Valentine Cowan (RIP), and my Great-Grandmother Gussie Mae Joyner Valentine Walton (RIP).  These women were very instrumental in shaping the woman I am today.

I am also thankful for my three children whom without them I would not be a mother.  I am also thankful and grateful for them making me a grandmother of six.

The life lessons I have learned from all of them has made me a better person than I would have been without them.  My great-grandmother was a kind and gentle woman.  She was beautiful beyond measure.  She married again late in life I to a Deacon in our church.  I think she was 77 when she got married the second time around.

My grandmother and grandfather were married until death did them part.  I loved my grandfather tremendously.  He was a kind and gentle soul.  He let my grandmother rule with an iron fist and he always had her back.

My parents were for the most part absentee parents physically and I was reared mainly by my grandparents.  My parents taught me a lot about life and how to pursue my destiny.  I am very impressed at all they were able to accomplish on their own merits.  They showed me strength and endurance is the real way of winning.  They literally made more back in the day than I make right now.  They were true troopers.  They worked hard and both were and were able to enjoy their retirement.  My mother is still alive but my father passed in 2008.  My daddy was a great provider any time my mother needed anything for us he was only a phone call away.  My parents were the type who didn't want their children to want for anything.  My iron fist grandmother was the reason why we lived her instead of my parents.  My Grandmother would whip anyone's behind to get her way.

I am thankful they taught me the good fight.  I cannot be just thankful for my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, I also am very thankful for the men who were very supportive of them and uplifted them in being their better half which made life better for me.

The sayings like always fight the good fight, keep your head up, you can do it, there is no such word as can't, be careful who you trust, everyone ain't your friend, if you make your bed you're going to have to lay in it, you're creating a monster, you give them kids too much one day they're going to make you cry, don't take stuff for granted, you can hate me now but you'll thank me later, always do the best you can do, never settle for less than what you know you're worth, and so much more play over and over in my mind.  We can go through life and go to the best schools, get the best lessons, attend the most rigorous training programs, be inspired by the world leaders but it is the lessons we learn right at home which stay and manifest in heart the most.

I am thankful and grateful for how my ancestors inspired me.  They are definitely a tough act to follow.  But as they always told me don't be a follower be a leader.  Put me first in all I do because I can't be of help to no one else if I can't help myself.

A day like today reminds me of how my mothers used to get up and start cooking in the wee hours of the morning.  They would cook a big country breakfast while they were preparing and putting the finishing touches on the Sunday dinner.  They would be cooking all types of meats, vegetables, cakes, pies, and the whole bit.  They were turning things up in the kitchen.  There was always plenty of food for family, friends, guests, and unexpected guests.  Family time was soul time.  How we lost our way from days like that I don't know.  It seems as if there came a time when my grandmother decided she would rather the girls of the future be sophisticated versus domesticated.  She didn't even allow me near the stove.  She would always tell me go sit down I didn't even know how to boil water when I asked to help cook.  I could help to no end prepping the items to be cooked like cutting up potatoes for the homemade potato salad, chopping onions, cleaning collard greens, snapping green beans, peeling the casing off beans, pealing peas, shucking corn, placing the dinner rolls on the tray and covering them with wax paper to rise, peeling and cutting up the sweet potatoes, make the sauce for with brown sugar and butter and cover the sweet potatoes for candied yams and leaving them sitting on top of the stove, cutting up the cabbage but I couldn't cook.

To me it is reminiscent of being able to make all the preparation in the world but not being able to deliver.  My delivery as my grandmother saw it was in the books.  I could go read a book or go study once I finished all the preparation.

I am thankful now she supported my A type personality.  I got a lot of "A" whippings in the process.  We hardly ever agreed on anything.  Now I agree with her on everything.  I didn't see back in the day my ever loving her.  She would tell me you can hate me now but you will love me later.  It's later I love that woman to pieces.  She taught me being a mother is not about winning a popularity contest.  You have to do what you have to do.  Some people will not like you for the decisions you have to make.  Always fight the good fight.  Don't take no stuff and don't dish none either.  Don't start what you can't finish.

It's women like her who had the fiber to run a Fortune 500 Company to the top but instead worked a job way below her expertise.  She didn't have any corporate stock she took stock in people.  She could read someone up one side and down the other.  She didn't have a large bank account but she never wanted for anything.  She didn't have a college degree but she had gone through enough degrees in life and was well learned.  She was President of the Usher's Council at the Church she attended.  That was one of her crowning glories.

She always supported her children and grandchildren right, wrong, good, bad, or indifferent.  My ex hated that she took up for me even when I was wrong.  I still laugh at the thought of him always calling her "Lois Collins" he never did say her name right.  She was so pissed with him when we got married.  There was only one man she ever approved of and she used to cook for him, me and my kids every Sunday.  She couldn't understand why I didn't marry him.  I knew, he didn't have any children and I wasn't about to have any more.

My mother was a beautiful woman and things came easy for her.  She has a hard time understanding why things don't come as easy for other women.  If I were to post a photo of her from her glory days you would see why she never had to ask a man for a thing and why men were constantly throwing things at her to get her attention.  She was and still is a beautiful woman.

My great grandmother was beautiful too.  I think she was the most beautiful of all the women in our family.  She was half Cherokee Indian.  Her skin and hair were very fine.  Everyone liked her.  She was quiet in stature.  She didn't get upset unless you messed with one of her offspring.  Then she would go to blows.  She taught us to keep our own close.  To only watch our own and not let outsiders watch our children.

It would take volumes upon volumes to write how much they women did for me.  How they never grew tired of doing for me and family.  How they gave 100% all the time.  God knows I am so blessed not only because they fed me but because they taught me how to fish.  I always say I want to be just 10% of the woman they raised me to be.  They were just that awesome.

Happy Mother's Day to three incredible women who motivated, inspired, and encouraged me: my Mother, Maxine DeLois Ruffin; my grandmother, Lois Louise Valentine Cowan (RIP), and my Great-Grandmother, Gussie Mae Joyner Valentine Walton (RIP).  In honor and remembrance of you, one red rose and two white roses.

Sometimes Life Doesn't Seem Fair!

Sometimes life doesn't seem fair.

It puts a little more on us than we feel we can bare.

God has his eye on the sparrow.
The challenges may seen daunting but he delivers yet another tomorrow.

We thought it was over yesterday.
But God always has the final say.

Keep your head up.
Hold up your cup.

Your cup yes it is running over flowing

Take a second look its what keeps you glowing

It's full of God's grace, mercy, and loving kindness

Open your eyes to the light don't succumb to blindness

Hope springs eternal dreams are real

You'll see in a few years this was really no big deal

You will face some dark days that seem too heavy for this race

Pull up to God he is ready for your embrace

One day you'll look back and laugh at what you're going through

You'll realize all the time God had you

I'm praying for you sweetie that you stay strong

Don't give up even though the day and the way may seem long

You're in this to win this and we don't give way to slack

Take you some much needed rest and bounce right back

Don't answer the call of defeat

Live for you have places to go, people to see, meet and greet

Sometimes it may seem easier to give in
But we both know that's not how true winners win

I said take me with you if you're wanting to check out
The day you were born it renewed my hope as to what life was about

I think the stress is wearing you down

I keep telling you for you I'll always be around

Learn to lean more and hold less

That's one good way to reduce your level of stress

I know it is not easy seeing someone you love so near and dear

Stay up in pain every night and cry tear after tear

We can't always see and understand the why right while we are going through it

Just believe God has the Master Plan and my dear and he'll see you through it

Yes, I've seen you endure more than any twelve year old should

It's not done for naught the Lord is keeping count of your good.

Cry your tears, shake your head in disbelief
Someone hears your cry and it is the Master in Chief.

Hold your head up you're really blessed

You're too beautiful of a person inside and out to be stressed

I love you with all my heart!  Kisses and hugs forever.  Hang in there and be strong, we still have a lot of living to do.